Wednesday, February 20, 2013


It's such a pain when you're sick, have deadlines, but am dying to blog.
That pretty much sums up what's been going on in my life lately. I'm rushing for deadlines as I cough away with sore eyes (literally), leaving me with zero time to blog.

PS. you won't see any selfies of me recently because the doctor has banned me from contacts because of my eyes. :(

I hate it when I fall sick.
You know how people like to say, when you hardly ever fall sick, the moment you do, it's like the end of your world.
That's the sickening feeling I have whenever I cough. Whoever started that is such a jinx.

Anyway, this is a philosophical post. Not.
I don't do philosophical or flowery words, so here's just some thoughts I'm throwing out to the world.

I told daddy that I have a blog and I blog about music, movies, fashion and everything else under the sun. He told me that I need a direction for my blog to be popular. 
I do want more readership, so I gave some thought to what he said.

Then finally, I concluded. 
I'm still going to blog everything the way I have been doing before. Because, that's what defines me. 
I have an undying love for music and I seriously enjoy listening to new bands and finding all the great stuff I haven't heard. 
I adore fashion. It's something that's been in me since the day I was born. Heh. I still recall the time (when I was still a kid and) I refused to go for class because I felt I was dressed in something old fashioned (the vintage rage hadn't started back then). I still don't like dressing bad, but I dress for myself now.
I enjoy traveling, writing, and I love to watch a good movie from time to time. (Hold the time to time on the movie. I love movies.)
Everything is what makes me who I am. Every layer of me.

Since I left Korean pop in the dust, I realized that I started to leave dance along with it.
I still 'free-style' with my limited dancing abilities at home, but basically, I've lost a fair bit of interest in it. In fact, I think the only reason why dance is still around is because it still revolves around music, and my love for music is eternal.

It's like my focus has shifted. Now I'm hell bent on losing my weight (not that I can exercise in my current condition). And before anyone tells me that I need to stop obsessing with my weight, here's a fact. I'm 5 feet 2.5 inches and I weigh about a 141 pounds on a good day. 
It actually means I'm hovering between normal and overweight when I calculate my BMI. Which is NOT good. (I'm a US size 8/10 on most occasions).

I know I'm heavy, and the first step to helping yourself is to admitting you need to change. That's what I do. 

Plus I felt that I've been deceiving everyone with my photos because clearly, I don't have that sharp a face in reality. But hey. I'm not ugly. I think.

Judge me all you want. Chubby people like me still deserve to look good. Fashion isn't for the models who strut down the runways. It's about expressing who you are and how you're like through your clothes. (Which explains why I'm always buying leather, blazers and shorts)

Honestly, it boils down to how much you believe in yourself.
I know this is SOOOOO cliched, but it's true. I've struggled with self-confidence and dieting for AGES because I felt I was never good enough unless I'm skinny, and as you can see, none of the extreme diets worked.

There are times you're going to hate yourself for being stupid, fat, a glutton... There will be times others make you feel inferior to the rest of them (I've been told on occasions that I need to lose weight). There will come days you want to pull your hair out and scream because you can no longer stand yourself, that perhaps life would be better IF you were someone ELSE. I say this because that's what I've felt before.

You may not believe what I have to say, but building self-confidence is the first step of recovery. Not eating properly or trying methods to become what others want you to be. 

How I gained self-confidence? I grew a thicker skin. I started to take whatever criticism people gave me with a pinch of salt (unless you're critiquing my writing, then you're allowed to fire away), to start listening to what I want, to be my own person.

Trying to be someone else is tiring, but so many people try.
Being yourself is the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself, but it's always hard to find your own inner voice. (I'm not telling you about meditating cos I don't do that.)

Here's how I found myself:
1. I tune out the voices of everyone else and listened to what you truly wanted (ie. why my heart beats)
2. Reflect. It's helluva reflections. I went from here to there, back to the start and places totally off the grid.
3. Act according to what your heart wants. I'm making baby steps here. I'm still not where I want to be, but I'm definitely going to try.

I think you've heard enough. Here's a quote to end everything beautifully (It's something I'm still trying to live by):

Life is short, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your inner voice. You've got to follow your heart and intuition, and find what you love. IF you haven't found it yet, keep looking, and DON'T settle.  - Steve Jobs

xoxo pamela

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